Someone Give Me A Reason To Live (NN1)

[Felix Falora]

Trevor had probably thrown many people for a loop where he had gone. Normally, when he was really depressed, he went to the bar. A heavy bill and a wasted Britishman would soon follow. But the bar was not Trevor's runaway location this time. Whatever fleeing animal was currently dictating Trevor's mind had chosen to flee to the one place that brought about bad tidings to anyone remotely related to the Angel of Light, it seemed, the one place that had been home to many different mockeries of them save for the one time they reclaimed Masahiro there. The Church was, as always, remote and recluse with no one worshipping inside. Trevor ran inside it and did something usually uncharacteristic for him. He curled up behind the alter and began to sob. Without understanding of what was going on in his mind, it might seem like Trevor was just being a baby about Edd's departure. But it was far more then just that. It was raw, primal emotion.

After the others had left, Crow had finally unleashed her anger out at Nazz, pointing out every single flaw in her argument. Nazz's teeth had been clenched and she wanted to argue her case, but Crow's logic had been too sound. In the end, Crow made Nazz seem like a cruel, tyrannical, manipulative bitch, something that would probably scar her relationship with Eddy for a time to come... or lessen Eddy's view on Crow. Either way, Eddy was gonna have to face reality alongside all the others that had suffered a huge loss. Instead of going back to his mecha blueprints now that Seven was gone, Masahiro ended up retreating to his room. He did not come out. He did not want to come out. He did allow others to enter, however, trying not to be too reclusive or anti-social, so as not to worry them. If Crow came to lecture him, he'd have even let her in. King just stood there, facing the door, wondering if something was going to come out again.

But Trevor had picked himself up. His whole body was shaking. His mind was suddenly back on overdrive. Voices screaming in his head caused his eyes to narrow. He could barely hear anything else other then what sounded like multiple people screaming in agony. He turned to face King and his entire vision began to glow red. There was a throbbing pain in his temple, excruciating beyond anything he had ever felt before. Something subconsciously told him if he punched this son of a bitch who caused ALL HIS PAIN, MAYBE EVEN FUCKING KILL HIM, the pain would go away. Masahiro wasn't in there to notice it, but Fletcher was. He would've seen this before. Trevor's eyes turning gold, his demeanor becoming more fierce, feral, and all around angry... it was the same reaction to what happened before. He had reacted this way when someone close to him had been lost.

He had reacted this way when Dederick had betrayed him. And before Fletcher could do anything, Trevor had charged for King. King had turned just in time to see Trevor's fist draw back. His eyes squeezed shut, bracing for the pain, but it never came. No one had been in any vicinity to stop him and perhaps they wouldn't have stopped him if they had wanted to, since King's shooting of Felix had started everything in the first place. His eyes opened and he saw the fist just one step close from his face. And when his eyes met Trevor's eyes, they were the eyes of a broken man, not some feral beast. But before King could say anything, Trevor pulled his fist back and then bolted in about the same fashion as Lucy had. No one had time to try and stop him, he was out the door and gone.

He hadn't even said goodbye. He had just up and left after snapping. Edd had said that all they were doing was tearing each other apart with violence. Yet, try as hard as he might, Trevor had nearly snapped and assaulted King. He had gone against the tenants he had so wanted to uphold. He had wanted to show himself in a changed fashion so as to earn "his" attention. But thanks to this, all that effort had been in vain. All Trevor could do now was lay there on the cold, stone floor, broken and weary, and cry himself into unconsciousness.

[nintendonut1]

"Trevor, wait! Ahhh..."

".........Fletch. Lemme go after him."

"Eh? Elwood, are you sure?"

"Course I am. He's my pal. You know how I hate seeing him drown himself in alcohol."

"Yes, but... it's his coping mechanism."

"Don't care. I'm going after him. 'Sides... you're way better at holding down the fort than I am."

It was a task more difficult than he initially thought, but the tranny didn't care. The wierd looks centured on his sequin-lining purple skirt didn't even deter him. He meant his words, but any excuse to get out of that depressing house was a good one.

When he didn't find Trevor at the Tiny Dragon, he began asking around Bonsai Village until one of them said they had seen the green-tressed swordsman heading west for the Void City Church district. For some odd reason, Elwood didn't have much difficulty putting two and two together, and he ended up in the Church's hallowed halls.

And there he was, sobbing over the alter. It... it hurt for Elwood to see him like this. It hurt a lot. And it hurt him more when he realized that he didn't know what to do, didn't know what to say. It was frustrating and beyond heart-wrenching.

It took him a minute or two to muster up the courage to even step closer, let alone place a tentative hand on his shoulder. "T....Trevor...?"

[Felix Falora]

Trevor managed to come back to reality when a hand was placed on his shoulder. He didn't act violently, thankfully enough. Elly's presence did not irritate him and he could tell the difference between friend and foe even in his current state and woe would've betided his enemies if one of them had happened upon his position at this moment. However, he couldn't think to even say anything. Usually Elwood would just see him at the bar, not like this. Alcohol was an escape of sorts, but nothing could escape this. This had been pure, carnal rage. And Fletcher could even testify that he hadn't drinken during Dederick's betrayal, but had instead tried to get as far away as possible. Only this time, unlike when Fletcher caught him still in a fury, he had already gotten through his animalistic fury. All that had been left for the tranny to find was despair.

When words finally began to manifest, they came out almost blubbered and pathetic, a complete opposite from the usual charming, poetic, self-confident tone Trevor held himself to. No self-love could be found within the narcissist this time. "I... I... I... tried... I... I... I... failed..." He couldn't even speak one word coherently now, but his meaning was well enough. Here was a man who felt he had nearly lost everything he had. He wasn't foolish, he knew he had friends... or did he? Hadn't they all just betrayed him in their own way now with their choice? And King, the biggest traitor of all, and his actions that had sparked all this off... the thoughts were trying to consume again and they stopped as suddenly as they started when he realized he was once again going against all the morals he wanted to uphold. He couldn't keep himself sane enough to speak or even think without saying something violent. And yet something mentally told him that Elwood would understand what he was going through.

It was an odd feeling, despair. Lucy talked about it all the time. She had described it as "sometimes feeling you want to die, but others knowing you have to live." He had not understood what she had meant up until now. He had almost considered stabbing himself, but that thought had been dismissed as quickly as it came and, to make sure he did not follow through on it should it come again, he had abandoned his swords, his precious possessions, at the entrance of the church. Elwood might've run by them on his way in. They were dangerous now, a danger to a clinically, psychologically tortured soul.

[nintendonut1]

"G...God, Trevor..." Elwood breathed out, taken aback. He would've finished that with 'you look terrible,' but he could barely get out any words at all. Not to mention it just... wouldn't have felt right.

When others were feeling down, they always flocked to Elwood for emotional support. He always knew what to say, what would brighten up their spirits. But here, he was at a loss for words. He had never, ever, seen someone, ANYone, this broken before. And the fact that it was Trevor, his bosom buddy, his main compadre, was all the more surprising and terrifying to behold.

It took Elwood a moment to realize why he couldn't come up with anything to say; words right now were lame, useless. This was the type of pain that couldn't wash away so easily. There needed to be a more direct approach.

Biting his lip, still a bit hesitent with himself now that he felt utterly useless, he outstretched his arms tentatively, giving Trevor the opportunity for an embrace. It was his choice to take it or not.

[Felix Falora]

Trevor looked up at Elwood again. The tranny's arms were outstretched, obviously calling for a comforting embrace. For a moment, a memory of how Edd did this towards Felix played in his mind. How he wished he had been in that position, instead of that once fragile creature, whose evolution turned him into a treacherous coward. Elwood, however... he wasn't to blame for any of this. King, yes. Felix of the present, yes. Those who had voted yes into outcasting Edd and casting him aside the same way Felix had... they were the heaviest to blame... those thoughts immediately stopped again as his fluxuating mind kept telling him they were wrong, but his raw emotions wanted them to be right, wanted him to punish them for causing him so much pain.

But Elwood didn't vote yes. He had hoped they would vote no when they called the vote. He didn't expect them to do the same. He was even shocked... he was even offended. The tranny was in no way to blame. Nor were the others that had come in. Nazz, despite her misguided words, Ed and Eddy, Raz... they didn't want to see their friend go either... and the house had been divided because of that. Everyone had only come back to a shaky truce after Edd had finally left. Was this what it really came down to, he had to wonder? Did Edd have to be the Messiah for them, were they really that incompetent? His despair only grew as these thoughts came and he found himself aching for comfort... and then he once again noticed the arms.

Moving slowly, almost weak, in a fashion alien to his usual gracefulness, he pressed himself close to Elly, right between those open appendages, accepting the invitation to rest in the other male's warmth. To Trevor, Elly had always been a great companion. They had conversated together, fought together, sparred with each other, and as Trevor's love to dress evolved, Elly's role as a fashion designer allowed him to get creative. The two had benefited mutually from each other, but even without benefit, they had enjoyed each other's company so much. Trevor subconsciously wondered why things couldn't go back to then, to those simple times, before all this drama, before Edd's purity instilled within him a Savior complex.

[nintendonut1]

As Trevor slowly scooted closer, Elwood found himself missing the grace the Brit usually had already, but took it all the same, holding him nice and tight. God, he was just in so much pain...

And who could blame him? If anyone in the house had an unspoken crush on lil' Double D, it was Trevor. He wasn't blatant about it, but him and Fletch knew. And in all honestly, Elwood didn't want the angel-kid to leave. He was the glue that kept the household together... but maybe it was too much pressure. Perhaps they should have been cooperating, communicating, instead of dumping everything on the Angel of Light, who could supposedly do anything. Reborn or not, though the hero and father he was, Double D was still, in essence, a child. He was breaking under the pressure; even he could see that.

Besides, he was pushing himself out more than anyone else in the house was. Leaving WAS his idea in the first place.

Elwood wished it wasn't that complicated. He wished there was an easier way to solve all this, for things to go back to the way they were. When it was easy to tell the bad guys apart and they didn't live under the same roof.

But... it was. And there wasn't. And here he was, feeling utterly useless in bringing Trevor any comfort whatsoever. Still, he tried, rubbing a hand along Trevor's back in a soft, repetitive, soothing motion.

[Felix Falora]

Trevor had never pointed out the problems. He had seen Double D's stress, but he had thought everything would work out somehow. The sheer knowledge of that suddenly hitting him like an atom bomb made him all the more self-loathing. He couldn't prevent Edd from leaving now, but he hadn't even tried to stop it beforehand. He had only hoped to improve and impress him, but no man could challenge the power of an angel, be it Felix or Seven, who Trevor could see taking advantage of this moment to move in on... no, that'd be stupid. Paranoia paranoia, but did it even matter? Even if Edd and Seven weren't meant to be, it was like he discussed with Masahiro and Fletcher before. A mortal man in Edd's world now would be nothing but a hindrance. It didn't take a genius to see that no normal mortals were in Edd's group, three angels and a shadow demon, Lucy technically not counting as Edd never let her come along. All superpowered beings... and Trevor was doomed to fall behind them no matter what he did.

He was the Krillen to their Goku, the Pip Bernadotte to their Seras Victoria and Alucard. Sometimes he felt he could never amount to anything, but he pushed those thoughts aside and kept trying to get better. They knew he boasted sometimes of his strength, but they wrote it off as his usual narcissism. True he loved himself a lot, but then again, he never felt anyone before the Skylark Team had loved him. He thought if he didn't love himself, he'd have no purpose in the world. And being optimistic in a world with a group out to actively kill you and parents that hated you because you were different in the most minor of ways... it was tough. He had hoped he'd be able to prove that, but in the grand scale of things, he was weak. And his optimism had taken a smashing, near-lethal blow along with his mind when King and the others had pushed Edd away so vehemently. If Trevor had just been able to prove his case, maybe none of this would've happened. But he...

He felt the hand stroke down his back. It was warm... comforting. Trevor almost wanted to push it away, wondering what good it would be. But a speck of the light of logic in his brain kept him from doing so. The comfort began to spread and he felt his breath lessening from a hyperventalating pace caused by his sobs back into a normal, rhythmic pattern. It was gradual and slow, but in time Trevor found that his mind was clearing and he was able to function properly again. And with those functions came speech, so even with his voice quiet and wracked with despair, he was finally able to speak his mind. "Why did this happen, Elly? What evils did we commit? Where did we go wrong?... ... ... ... ... Were we just not strong, smart... or pure enough to prevent this? Were we doomed from the start to suffer this way?"

[nintendonut1]

Elwood almost jumped when Trevor spoke up. At least he had composed himself, but it hardly improved his outlook to hear those pained words. "I... I don't know."

Urgh, what was wrong with him!? Usually Elwood didn't know the MEANING behind the words "I don't know." He always knew what to say! What made this moment any different?!

He mused on it a little more, then, for once, started to think aloud. "I... haven't been around all that much to judge whether it's anyone's fault or not... And yeah, I can bet this all could have been prevented. In ANY time there was a big decision or change or whatever.

"Either way... I know it's a tired old cliche, but what happened, happened. And there's gotta be a purpose for it. Maybe this is just, y'know, Double D's chance to find himself after all the emotional baggage he's claimed lately. Lord only knows he needs it, right?"

[Felix Falora]

A tired, old cliche. Elly was definently right about that.He was certainly tired of it. He was tired of his companions suffering in each other's presence. He was tired of Masahiro seeing himself as this monster from his past action. He knew he'd grow tired of the emotional rift that would be inevitable between Fletcher and King. He was sick of the emotional rift growing between Nazz and Eddy thanks to Crow. He was tired of all this drama and madness that not even the Tribunal had inflicted on them back in their room. He was just sick and fucking tired of it all, but it never stopped. It was as if some sick puppetmaster got off on their pain and kept throwing them into these moments. There was no end to it all. The pain only got worse and worse. Even Kyle, gentle and sweet Kyle, Kyle who never wanted to hurt anybody in his life... he had broke and nearly murdered King. And Crow had assaulted him for it, made him feel like it was all his fault. Thinking about it that way actually angered him a bit. He had been too shocked at Edd being pushed away to even worry about the others, but Kyle had been isolated because of something he couldn't help.

Suddenly he felt his hands shaking. What was going on with him? Had he been focused and overwhelmed by his own misery when the miseries of the world were piled up around them? Edd couldn't stop it. No one could, and everyone expected the angel to do it all by himself. Why? Why had they been so selfish? Why had he been so selfish? And then an even more horrifying thought seemed to slink into his mind. What if he had never really loved the boy at all? What if he had only loved the angel? Certainly it was impossible, he could recall crushing on Edd the first time they ever met, but memory was a fickle thing, easy to fault, easy to forget... and easy to make things up and believe them as real. It had been years since their first meeting, after all, and he could barely recall how things were back then now. If he hadn't had felt for Edd back then, what if it never existed? What if his crush on Edd had only manifested for the angel, the angel that would never be his, the angel that would never want him?

Suddenly he wished he was at the bar. But the overload of emotions combined with alcohol would've been a dangerous effect. At least when he went drinking, he was mentally stable. He was a silly drunk... at least while he was drunk. And his systems worked so well that he could avoid a good deal of the hangover symptoms, though headaches and vomiting still came normally. But this wasn't just depression. This was a full out mental break. The little logic that had functioned in his brain told him to stay away from alcohol. And it wasn't like his brain screamed the word alcohol, it just screamed for relief. There were so many methods for that that the bar seemed like it shouldn't even exist. Maybe Edd needed that relief. Everyone had expected everything from him. The poor male, who was a child-at-heart... "If only I had seen..." Trevor was speaking again, also thinking out loud. "If only I had known... I could've done something... to stop it... to help relieve... How could I have been... so blind to this madness... How could I go along...?"

[nintendonut1]

"We... we all coulda..." But we didn't, and that's the point, isn't it...?

Elwood was stumped. For the first time, he honestly didn't know what to say that would make Trevor feel any better about this situation. He tried appealing to his care for Double D, tried to tell him that it was best for the angel, and that seemed to help alright, but not enough.

"...Trevor?" Elwood wasn't sure what he could do now, so he took the logical path and decided to ask directly. "Come on, Trevor... is there anything I can do? I'll even take you out for a drink or two, on me. Really." And Trevor knew how much Elwood hated seeing him in drunken despair. But he'd do anything. And he meant it.

[Felix Falora]

Trevor could tell Elwood was trying, but his mind was too jumbled for this sort of attention. He didn't know why. That's what he shot for, wasn't it? It was why he tried to lift everyone's spirits, tried to keep everyone together. It was selfishness. He wanted to be useful, to be noticed as such. And now that someone was noticing him, he just wished to be alone. Maybe it was because this wasn't an uplifting moment. It was a downtrodden one, a moment that's been beaten to hell, stomped on, and then subjected to a few other choice tortures. Nobody should want such things to happen for the sake of attention.

But he knew that if he denied Elwood, he'd only come off as rude, ungreatful. And perhaps a drink or two would be good for him now that his mind was clearing up. After all, any alcoholic would confess the booze would take away their pain. Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. So he let Elwood help him up and kept close to him. The warmth served as a connection between despair and hope. Whenever Trevor was feeling down, his body would be cold, almost like ice. So the body heat that Elwood provided was helping to raise his spirits.